The Secret Oath of Scientists

This week's blog is a departure from my usual format. Because I have something to confess. To all my fellow scientists: the jig is up. It's time. I hate to be the first person to say something, but I think that people are on to us and it's better for us to come out with our hands up.

For me, it all started when I was a teen. I wanted to become a scientist because I wanted to increase the rate of cancer in our population. Not only cancer, but I wanted to make something that would cause autism amongst children. You heard me right. At first, this dream was a small flickering of a flame, but during grad school it became a full blown bonfire. The thousands of dollars that I made during my 10 years of education only fanned these flames and pushed me onward towards my goal. Soon I learned that I wasn't the only one with such hidden secrets: while chatting with my professors in 3-star Michelin restaurants, I learned that my fellow grad-students all had similar goals. Some were trying to figure out how to extend the life of the rich and famous in wealthy countries. Others had less lofty goals like figuring out how to cause irritable bowel syndrome in adults. I signed the Oath, which is signed by every scientist throughout the world, where we solemnly swear to maintain the secrecy of our true natures and passions.

We fooled our friends and families into believing that we were working long hours and that our careers were toilsome. But in truth, we made tons of money mostly by reviewing papers. Reviewing papers was a cash-cow. Reviewing a paper that the government or a company didn't want published was a dream come true: not only would you get paid by the journal, but you'd also get paid by the government/company for rejecting the paper!! My professor bought his first Porsche when he rejected a paper that conclusively proved that an herbal supplement cured cancer. My supervising post-doc bought his first apartment in Paris for burning a paper that showed how GMOs cause some weird leaky gut disease. Why on Earth would we want to get that knowledge out!??! Oh, the naïveté of some people is just plain cute.

Once I graduated, I started working for big biotech companies because I thought it would be the best way to accomplish my goals. I have a few friends in big pharma and we all agree that it's been a really interesting experience! We've learned that if we make bad products, no one really cares. In fact, our shareholders just buy more and more stocks and the media never reports on it. Also, all the big pharma and biotech companies don't compete against one another; if one company manages to make a vaccine that causes autism, not only do all the other companies stay quiet about it, but they all share the knowledge with one another. It's all part of the Oath. And an additional dream of mine has finally come true: I have the enormous blessing of never being allowed to quit or to take advantage of the federal whistleblower laws. Even if I disagreed with all the cover-ups that these companies do or disapproved of all these untested drugs that get released, there's nothing I could do about it. It's so great working for companies where every employee shares your vision of world domination and control.

Some day I hope to work for a company that slaughters puppies to fuel our manufacturing systems, where we make drugs to remove arm flab, test it on the homeless in Panama, and have a survival rate of 30%.

So there you have it. It feels real good to get this off my chest. I really want to thank everyone who has recently posted articles about the evils of vaccines and GMOs. It has made me realize that there's now a critical mass of people who are aware of what we scientists do, so we'd better quit while we're ahead.